Not so distant memories....from my diary

Christmas is in a few days and all that I want is a Christmas miracle. I am in the midst of the most difficult time of my life. The little boy that has just captivated my whole life has also brought to my heart the most pain. I cry every day to the Lord to please give me this pain instead of him. It is the darkest valley I have ever walked through, holding him for hours at night while he cries. He is in so much pain that he won’t eat, and when he does, he just throws everything up. The doctors say that there is nothing that they can do. He just has to outgrow it. We all just sat and cried the other night at 4am-we both feel like God, you are punishing us, but we don’t know why. I know that is not true-I know we live in a world that is imperfect b/c of sin in general, and thus, we endure sickness and suffering. But why us? Why, when I have to work, and finances are so tight, and our marriage is so strained (probably b/c of Gabe)-things are in shambles around the house, bills go unpaid, no laundry or cleaning or garbage gets done….I snap at Ty all the time and yell at the dog. We are so sleep deprived and I am sure out jobs are suffering as a result. I broke down at work on Thur. I feel like a horrible teacher and a horrible wife. I feel so alone, like no one knows what I am going through right now. My hair is falling out, probably from stress. And all I ask is WHY???? WHY???? And I know now that I am not going to get an answer. I must stopping questioning and learn to trust. Trust that YOU will take this and use it for your glory. To trust that there is something greater than my own comfort that you are after-to trust that you will not allow more that I can handle. To trust you will hold our marriage in your hands and keep us together. To trust that You are taking care of my baby and you will comfort him. To trust that in the end, you are forming a character in us that people will see your glory from it.